We’re back. Week 2 of the Monday Column. Last week, if you remember correctly, we did an intense mathematical proof correctly rationalizing why a ham sandwich gives the Philadelphia 76ers more annual value and revenue than Jahlil Okafor.
If you didn’t read it, you’re really going to want to check it out here. Some of my most critical thinking to date.
However spicy that take was, this week’s hot take is going to blow it out of the water.
This week, I want to delve into the life and times of a fallen hero of the Process, another helpless byproduct of the up-and-coming, immovable force that is the ruthless regime of Big Collar Brand CEO Brian Colangelo. What fallen hero am I speaking of? None other than King of the 9-3-2 Statline, Gerald Henderson.
Most think Gerald was let go this week because of his moderate cap hit that could be spent elsewhere on more productive pieces. While that theory makes the most sense, those Henderson truthers would be WRONG. So, your next question to follow should be: then why was Gerald cut?
Henderson was let go because he is a real-life ROBOT. You heard me.
Allow me to explain in further detail.
To avoid confusion, let’s just set a base understanding of what robots are. Merriam Webster defines a robot as: “a machine that looks like a human being and performs various complex acts of a human being.” In case anyone’s interested, the word robot comes from Czech origins. Who knew?!
My Henderson Robot Theory began midway through the season when he consistently drained baseline jumpers in which I yelled, “WHAT ARE YOU SHOO – Nice shot, good look.” After about 8 of these, I concluded that these awkward, over-the-head, tomahawk chop jumpers were not humanly possible without an internal computer triangulating the exact launch angle and speed required to get buckets.
Gerald’s degree from Duke wasn’t in physics, so the only other logical explanation is that he’s a computer. Plain and simple. Again, a robot “performs complex acts” like a human, but no human can shoot frustrating jump shots at a strangely consistent rate without the help of an advanced microprocessor.
Whoever programmed Gerald did a really poor job. He/she overdid his ability to shoot off-balance jumpers but failed to give Gerald the traits to complete easy plays.
Seen here, Cyborg Gerald drills an unsuspecting Bobcats supporter with what should be an easy pass to his likely-pitiful Bobcats teammate on the 3-point line. Not only should a real NBA player be able to complete this pass, but a real HUMAN BEING would feel some remorse for likely concussing this woman. Unfortunately, Gerald the Bot just brushes off this system malfunction without possessing the human instinct to heal this fan he might have just brutally murdered.
My next point of contention with Gerald’s failed assimilation into human culture can be found in his random and inexplicable fits of rage and/or violence. Seen here, he unprovokedly assaults Dwight Howard using lift and strength possessed by no human being his size.
Any robot programmer should know that a 6’3 guard on the Bobcats should not own the innate ability to complete plays like that.
In this next play, Henderbot ruthlessly attacks Paul George with a vicious elbow that leads to his ultimate ejection. Not only is this violence out-of-the-blue and uncalled for, he also shows no remorse towards PG or confusion towards the referees. I call into question Gerald’s stone-cold demeanor. He’s calm … too calm.
Any human would know to either dispute the call or try to mend the broken relationship with Paul. Gerald’s malfunction that prevents him from showing any emotion in any direction clearly displays his robotic mannerisms. His circuit-breaker is unsure of how to deal with this situation so he just awkwardly scoots back to Brett Brown’s bench. System overload? Hmm..
This clip needs no explanation; Gerald thumps Tyler Hansbrough with enough force to split his entire face open. Once again, Gerald shows no anger, joy, sadness, remorse, etc. Gerald clearly made no play on the ball. The artificial intelligence instilled in Gerald assessed the situation and thought the best course of action was to jump too late and swing too hard at a target too far away from the ball. Yet another malfunction for the Geraldbot 5000.
This represents a pattern of aloof violence that no human carries. Much like The Mountain in Game of Thrones, Gerald strikes to kill and then carries on with his day in a very calculated, robotic manner.
MY FINAL TAKE IS SUCH: Gerald Henderson is a robot who was sent to the NBA to dominate and conquer but often makes simple errors in execution and temperament that led to Brian Colangelo ultimately discovering and shutting down his motherboard before the general public learned that a human cyborg was playing professional sports.
Where can Gerald go from here now that he’s been exposed? Well, some NBA front office is dumb enough to let this piece of hardware onto their roster only to engage in various displays of violence and average 9-3-2 in a decently efficient 18 minutes.
I think Gerald’s best course of action is to take a gap year and head back to the shop where he was put together. I think he needs some rewiring to tone down his aggression and ability to drill weird early shot clock jumpers. Maybe then will he actually begin to look like a real NBA player and less like Plankton’s wife, Karen.
Until then, he’s just another piece of junk thrown out and recycled by the Big Collar Throne. STAY WOKE, MY FRIENDS.
See you next week with a take even juicier than this one,